It's the Little Things

Hello fellow interweb friends!

I don't know about you, but I know, as a girl, I pick up little signs and signals very fast that make me feel special or wanted by someone I'm interested in. Recently, I was in a situation where all the little signs and gestures were there, but since I'm a little more traditional when it comes to things like that, I interpreted it different from the person who was giving off the signals. In a way, I feel like the little "love" gestures are now being thrown out and about without any kind of feelings or emotional attachment to it, kind of like the word "love" being taken for granted. As much as we have evolved into the 21st century and become more modernized and open-minded, I still believe that certain traditional practices and values should be kept traditional and with that, I mean you should act affectionate (like physical touching and holding) only to the person who you have feelings for, just as long as they reciprocate. The worse thing is for a guy to make a girl feel special and then toss her to the curb the next day or when a guy gives a girl special attention as he talks about another girl he is hooking up with, especially when he knows this girl he's giving special attention to is not the type to kiss and tell or do casual relationships. 

When it comes to affections and love, everyone has their own way of showing it and receiving it. I recently read the book "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman that kind of summarizes who certain people have different ways of showing their love as well as ways in which they interpret love. This book has really opened my eyes to different ways of showing someone I love them. For some, saying you love them isn't enough, for others, saying you love them as well as making time for them will make them feel like they're in heaven, so I definitely recommend this book if you want to learn a little bit more about yourself as well as our special person. But anyways, for me, I believe that we all receive and give love through physical touch to a certain degree, so I think, as a way to respect the person you're interested in, there should be a boundary when it comes to touch. Like I said earlier, if you're like me, an arm around the waist, arm on the lower back, etc. are signs of affection that only two people who are interested in each other would do, so unless it is clear that touching is not a sign of affection for you, then I don't think it's a good idea just to be throwing your arms around a girl who may be interested in you cause that is just a whole big misunderstanding in the making! In a way, physical touch is the most basic form of showing love and affection, our most instinctive one, so be considerate and take a second to think how the other person may take it before you put your arms around them.

Us girls love feeling loved and appreciated, so by the littlest touch or a small gesture can make us feel on top of the world. We don't always need big things like jewelry or fancy trips, just a little door-opening here and a little kiss there, maybe a bouquet of flowers as an element of surprise can put us over the moon! Even though some girls will make it seem like they're fine with the whole casual relationship/sex thing, deep down, they still appreciate a nice gentleman who will wine and dine them. There is nothing with a little wine and dine here and there, even if you are just having casual sex with each other; personally, that's not my thing, but if it works for you, then hooray, just show the other person a little appreciation and everything will be peachy keen!

So girls, if you're the one reading this, we can do the same for the guys we're with or interested in. Sometimes, we expect the guys to do things, but I'm sure they can use a day where we baby them a bit and give in to their whims, make them feel a little special as well. They may not want flowers and chocolates, but what guy doesn't like a nice night of video games or sports, so be the sensual but yet also cool and understand girlfriend/significant other and throw a game night or something you know he'd enjoy just to show him that you appreciate him a lot too! 

In a way, relationship or not, when you want to show the person you are interested in that you feel something special for them, do the little gestures. Girls love the little details and well, as much as we think guys are oblivious to the little things, they appreciate a nice little something too! It's a two way street! Girls can't expect guys to do everything and well guys, we will also try our best to do little things for you too! Let's bring back courtship because if we look back to our parents' and grandparents' relationships, it all started with courtship, and look how long in love they stayed?!?!

Until next time,

With love,

Uyen

Girl, You Pretty, Don't Fret!

Hello fellow interweb friends!

So I should be studying for a chemistry test that I will have in less than an hour and a half, but I thought, what the heck, I had to get this out there because I think it is very important to be supportive of other girls. You probably think this is so hypocritical of me to write this post since all of my posts this week has been about make-up and ways to make myself look better, but that is not the case, I promise! The purpose of this post is to, for lack of better terms, raise awareness/promote girl empowerment/confidence. I know a lot of girls are very uncomfortable to go out and about and show their bare, naked face with no make up because they feel like there is some kind of flaw with their look with out the layers on top of it. We all know and have friends that are like this, and sometimes, we feel the same way, I know I do, but that is not the case! I honestly do think that the less make-up girls wear, the more natural, more down to earth, and pretty they are! I'm not saying that I'm pretty or beautiful or anything of that sort, but if you know me in real life, you know I go out with no make up at all times; maybe on a lucky day, I will have on a little bit of make up but still looking very natural. To show you I am completely comfortable with how I look without make up, I will share with you pictures of me with no make up on, taken today, no filters or editors (besides the app used to put together the collage), and let me tell you, today is probably the worst day to see me without make-up on because I'm overly stressed and haven't slept very much lately, so here goes, hopefully, I won't scare you off with my super weird face!

So this top picture is the better side of me without make-up on! What I mean by better is that I actually have my hair down, not necessarily brushed/combed! This is what my friends and family see everyday (and there are some really good looking guys at my school), even the people at work and all the hottie-patotties going to Disneyland! But in reality, on a super day-to-day basis and for my super close friends on Snapchat, I usually look like the bottom picture with that crazy bun, weird faces all over the place, and completely no make-up at all! Even if I Snapchat the guy I'm crushing on or my best friend, I do not mind looking like the way I am without make-up because at the end of the day, make-up can only make you look pretty for so long. Once you take off that make-up, you should be proud and happy of what you look like because there are people out there who has to live without make-up, who was born with less fortunate features that they cannot control or cover up with make up!

For me, for a while, I was a little pressured to put on some make-up to make myself look more "presentable" because that's what girls around me were doing. It is pretty insane how much girls around you can influence your views about yourself because I remember, this girl I knew said something the lines of, thank goodness for make-up and how easy it is to learn or else some of the girls we know are still going to look just as bad as they did a few years ago. That was when I took a step back and realize, wow, I might be one of those "not so good looking" girls sh was talking about and I got pretty sad and offended, but at the same time, I realized I was only wearing make-up because that's what these girls wanted me to do, not necessarily what I wanted to see myself as. It's true, sometimes, it is to look nice and put on a little something to bring out your favorite features, but it is also just as fine to let your face be in its natural form! 

To me, the main reasons why girls are so dependent on make-up and try so hard to avoid their natural face nowadays is because they were exposed to the idea of looking perfect through make-up way too young in their lives. I know I didn't start wearing make-up until senior year of high school, specifically prom, and didn't really have much make-up knowledge until college. Even now, fours years into college, I still don't know that much about make-up besides the basics! Because girls are exposed early on and they get access to make-up early on, they start using it earlier, which means they become obsessed with this "perfect" face look at a much younger age. Since this tends to happen during their teenage years, when they are most impressionable, they stop noticing their real, natural face, and become too accustomed to their made-up faces, which is why, as they get older, they have to have their layers and layers in order to feel like they are ready to step out of their room! 

Of course, these are only my opinions and I don't mean to come off as "preachy" or anything like that, but I have some amazingly beautiful girlfriends around me who are stuck in that phase where they feel like they need to have their make-up on in order to go out, but to me, when I see them get ready, before all the layers, I think they are just as pretty as when they do put on the make up! From one girl to another, from one person to another, I think it's important that we help empower and appreciate each other for the person that we are without all of the other products out there that supposedly make us look better. I'm a huge believe in the idea of "looking good, feeling good, and doing good," but that does not mean you have to put on five million layers (sorry for the exaggeration but you get my drift) in order to look good! It can start with something as little as wearing your favorite shirt or earrings that can make you feel pretty, without having to put on the layers! If anything, the more make-up you wear, the longer you use make-up, the more discolored and damaged your skin gets, which ultimately, makes you even more dependent, so why not lay off the foundations and concealers and let your own skin, your natural beauty process do its thing and keep you looking natural and beautiful at its own pace! Make-up is like anorexia to your face, so why not do the healthier option of using it in moderation (which is like eating healthy and exercising) to keep yourself looking youthful and beautiful!

I apologize if I offend anyone or sound hypocritical in this post, but I just wanted to share with all you girls out there that you are pretty without all the make-up and concealers! And hopefully, you'll still like to read my posts after this! This does not mean I want to ban make-up, it just means I hope and wish that we all can appreciate our natural looks without feeling the pressure to hide behind layers and layers of stuff, cause that's all it is, stuff that we can live without.

So let's make a little pact to start wearing less and less make up together? And also give compliments to friends we know more often so we can all learn to love ourselves and our natural beauty more?

Until next time,

With love,

Uyen

Urban Outfitters Did Me Dirty Again!

Hello fellow interweb friends!

I thought about this very hard and decided to do this as a separate post for you since I didn't want to overwhelm you with my super busy week. So as you can tell by the title, I did a little damage at Urban Outfitters this week. So on Thursday, my mom treated me to a little pampering day for my birthday and we went to get our nails done and then went and shopped a little bit. When we walked by Urban Outfitters, I saw huge signs saying "additional 50% off of all sale items," which is like the best phrase you can show me when I walk by because I am a weak link for a good deal when it comes to clothes. The sign definitely roped me in, and the next thing you know, my arms were filled with stuff to try on! I had so many hangers hanging from my arm that I got red marks andeven a little rash because I carried more than I can handle. 

So I got there, went through all the stuff, and picked up a few little goodies!   

Pretty much, all of these were $5 each, except for the blue and white tank/blouse, which was $10. I also got a white dress that I talked about in my previous post, Dress Obsession, and that dress was also only $10! I scored big time this past week since I spent like less than $50 for everything. The floral pants/leggings are super comfortable and I cannot wait to wear that on the plane on my way to Vietnam. As for the skirts, I just had to get them because they were only $5 each and it's the skater style, just how I like it. If you remember my previous Urban Haul, I bought 2 other skirts of the same style but just different colors, so I obviously have a little obsession with the style. It's the most flattering style for my body, so I just have to get it!

If you want, leave a comment below and I can do a post where I style these pieces and do a post about it!

Until next time,

With love,

Uyen

Dress Obsession

 Hello fellow interweb friends!

First off, I'd like to apologize for being so lazy lately and haven't posted anything this whole week, but no worries, I already started on a whole bunch of new stuff and will be posting them all throughout this week to make it up to you, so I'm super excited. It will be all things beauty/make-up/skin care goody goody gumdrops, so much that you might even get tired of reading, but you can always come back to finish it too, so do not fret!

So based on the post's title, this one will be all about my all-time obsession with a certain dress style. I guess this style officially has a name now and it's called the "skater dress" style, where it mimics the cut and flow of ice-skater's outfits with the fitted top and flowing bottom half. I have always loved this style because I think it is such a classic and timeless fashion choice, not to mention super flattering. Before, it was a little harder to find this style just because it wasn't "in" yet, and when I did see some dresses of this particular cut, it would only be from expensive brands, and unfortunately, as a college student with a part-time job, I cannot afford super expensive dresses that can cost up to triple digit amounts! So pretty much, now that it's like the "in" trend, every store has this style of dress and most of the time, they are on super sale, so I had to kind of stock up for future uses! These three are my most recent additions and they all cost me less than $20 for each, which is like super duper amazingly fantabulous! I pretty much got three dresses for the price of one, even less than the price of one, actually! And if you don't know by now, I am quite the bargain queen, if I say so myself! I get this kind of high when I get things for really good deals, and if you haven't gotten a chance, you should check out this post and you will understand how obsessed I am with bargain shopping!

Now, onto the dress! This first one is a Bar III dress from Macy's! It is a skater dress, but the bottom does not flare out as much as the other one. The color is black with a white/cream striped detailing, and despite the fact that it's horizontal strips, I think it looks so pretty on! My mom actually got this for me as a little birthday present because she knows how in love I've been with this dress for the longest time. The first time I saw this dress was like maybe 2-3 months ago and I couldn't really afford it at the time since it costs like $70 before tax! Thank goodness my mom has amazing shopping skills and she used a few coupons and certificates and this dress ended up not being that much and now it is another beautiful piece in my closet! I can definitely see myself paring these with wedges, heels, pumps, and maybe even flats! This dress, from the style to the color, is super versatile to style and since it's mainly black, it is easy to pair up with jewelry too! I can dress it up or down, natural or light make up!

The next dress is from Urban Outfit from their brand Kimchi. This dress is half sleeved and with a rounded square neckline. It is very fitting and flattering and the bottom party flares out so nicely. Usually, Kimchi runs a little smaller on me, so I usually wear a size large in their tops, but this dress, I got it in a medium. The dress was marked down for $40, which I was ok buying since it was going to be an additional 50% out at the register, bringing it down to $20, but things got even better when I got out to the register because the actual discounted price before the addition 50% off is $20, so I scored and got it for only $10! So pretty much, this one will probably be more of a fall/night time dress for me because the material is thicker than the Bar III. The creme color definitely makes it super easy to style. When I wear it, I feel super fancy and very classy! The neckline of this dress for sure brings a little "umph" to the dress, especially since I am quite endowed! The square cut is perfect since it can nicely hide my bra straps because it is a huge pet peeve of mine when girls wear dresses or tops with their bra straps hanging out to the side! I don't know why I get so bugged by it, but I just am; I guess I like to look nice and clean and pretty?!?!

And last, but definitely not least, is my most favorite of the three, this Free People dress!!! It is like a crochet pattern and the color is a hot pink/fuchsia color. I love this for the spring and summer, day or night, with a pair of heels, a nice neutral statement necklace, and of course, some heels. So this one is the best fitting one of the three dresses because it is nice and stretchy underneath. This one was my birthday dress. The neckline is a scooped neck and so is the back, so it is just amount of cleavage, not too much decolletage hanging out! As my friends say, I like a little bit of conservation but also a tad bit of reveal, if you know what I mean. So this dress is another one of my bargain item. It's originally $130 and when I got it, with a few coupons, it came down to right around $20. The minute I saw it, I knew I wanted to get it despite the price. It was already in the sale section, so I knew it was already reduced, but to come out paying way less than what I need to, I am definitely a very happy girl. You will see this dress appear again in another post because this was also the one I wore on my birthday dinner.

I hope you will find the style of dress that flatters you most! I know after I found the style that fits me most, I feel so much more confident any where I go just because in the back of my mind, I feel and know that I look good!

And also, for awesome jewelry, please go check out Baublebar! I will leave you with the link and an invitation code if you are interested in buying some super pretty jewelry. And on Monday's and Fridays, they have something called the Premium Buried Bauble and those are discounted pieces that are usually $30-40!

Click on this link to get your own account: https://www.baublebar.com/rewardsref/index/refer/id/40308/

Until next time, 

With love,

Uyen

Weekly Wrap-Up #4

Hello fellow interweb friends!

This past week, not much happened since I was just swamped with a whole lot of school stuff, all which are boring, so I'm not going to talk much about it.

Anyways, the best part of my week started on Friday, which is pretty much the end of the week already, but still, it's way too amazing to not mention. On Friday, when I got home from school, I was surprised by a special little birdy friend that I will not name on here just because this person is super special to me and maybe one day I will introduce you to him/her (hehehe, got to keep things interesting). Back to the surprise, this little birdy got me the most indulgent/wonderful/majestic/beautiful gift I've gotten yet and that is the Dior Creme De Rose lip balm/plumper! You might have seen me post this on Instagram last week already, so you know how flippen excited I was when I opened the little black bag. This is one of the few products that I will spoil myself and buy once in a very long time just because it is so expensive, and because of that, I appreciate this gift even more since I know the value of it and I know it definitely made a nice little dent in my friend's wallet since it's just a lip product. So pretty much, my friend knows me way too well and also knew that I recently ran out since I pretty much use it everyday but couldn't get a new one since I'm on a tight budget lately. I won't do a "review" on the Dior Creme De Rose today, but I will definitely put one up soon for you and hopefully get you to go reward yourself with one of these too, or if someone who loves you so so much will go get one to surprise you just like my friend did for me! 

Then on Sunday, it was Mother's Day, so my family went and visited my grandma and had lunch with her. This same weekend was Buddha's birthday celebration; it took place at Mile Square Park close to Fountain Valley area. Since my family is Buddhist, both my grandma and mom really wanted to go to the celebration, so we did around 1 PM after lunch. So we went to the park and met up with some of our relatives and I ran into these two little cuties there! They are my cousin's babies and aren't they just precious??!?!?! I don't get to see them very often, but whenever I do, I just love playing with them! I had so much fun just watching them run around and chew on plastic bottles and chasing after each other that I literally spent 3 hours in the scorching hot heat running after them. Well, the baby girl can't run yet, but her brother was running all over the place! He has so much energy in him that I am like super jealous just because I miss having that much energy and always living it up and playing around! So I hung out with them and looked after them while our parents catch up until like close to 5 o'clock, and let me tell you, this little boy ran around the entire time and I ran after him and I think we covered every single crevice of this section of the park. I tried getting him to come sit with me cause well I don't have the same kind of energy he does (so sad), but he won't so we kept on running around, and eventually, I just started walking cause I couldn't run anymore!

My family and I didn't get home until about 9 o'clock at night and didn't have anything at home to eat since we've been out all day so we decided to go get In-N-Out for dinner. Now this is the first time in a long time that I've had In-N-Out; I was just telling my mom how I was craving it on Saturday and there it was! And also, this is the first time in like MONTHS that I've had animal styled fries too and let me tell you, it tasted so heavenly, I think I died for a second and went to heaven! Hahaha, as you can tell, food makes me real happy!

 Until next time,

With love,

Uyen

All Time Favorite Nail Polishes

Hello fellow interweb friends!

How are you guys doing today?!?!?! So first, I'd like to apologize for being a little off track with my blogs lately. I've been super busy with school and finishing up some projects for my internship that I haven't really gotten a chance to post as much as I usually do. But I'm kind of back now, not completely, but for sure, will be posting more from now on!

So for this week, I thought, instead of sticking to Foodie Tues-dee, I thought I'd do something a little more spring/beauty related since the weather has been kind of nice lately. You guys probably already know, based on the title, I will be showing you some of my favorite nail polishes of all time and I think these will be perfect for spring and summer as well. 

For the first set of polishes, I decided to put Essie's "Haute as Hello," "Turquoise & Caicos," and "Case Study" together. "Haute as Hello" is a creamy, vibrant coral color; it may look pastel-like, but when you apply two coats on, it is kind of bright but just perfect. As for "Turqoise & Caicos," just like the first one, is a creamy, vibrant color leaning towards a minty green shade; this color gives you a refreshing, tropical feel, which makes it super perfect for spring and summer. And of course, "Case Study" is a more neutral color but still light enough to use in the spring and summer time; it looks like a cream coffee kind of color, which makes it nice as a base color for designs or as accenting. These three colors, to me, compliment each other very well. You can paint your nails with one color and accent it with another or use the 3 as a combo to do different designs. The "Case Study" kind of pulls together the other colors since it's a more neutral color if you want a more subtle look on your hands. If you want a little bit more of a vibrant look but not obnoxious, then "Haute as Hello" and "Turquois & Caicos" will be perfect since they are both a creamy but yet still slightly bright color.

This next set, a little bit more of my favorite that I constantly go back to, includes: "Beyond Cozy," "Butler Please," and "Chastity." So as you can already see, this trio that I decided to put together is a little more vibrant than the first one, which makes it perfect for me (save the best for last right!?!?!)! The first one, "Beyond Cozy" is from Essie's most recent holiday collection, but I personally use it all year long just because it is so beautiful! it's not necessarily silver or gold but a mix of both, so when you have it on and the light hits it, it looks like a mixed metal color. And then of course, "Butler Please" is the epitome of the perfect cobalt blue! When you put it on, it just looks amazing and goes with every outfit because the color is so versatile; the same goes for "Chastity." My most recent purchase is "Chastity" because I've been looking for the perfect baby/bubblegum-like pink for a very long time. Essie has a new one called "Boom Boom Room" that is very similar to "Chastity" but it's not the same. To me, "Chastity" is the right amount of brightness/lightness that makes it go with all seasons (that made more sense in my head but you know what I mean). I think what I wanted to say is that it's bubblegum pink but not obnoxious, which makes it super easy to use and beautiful and everything amazing!

Overall, Essie makes some amazing nail polishes that are super easy to apply and have great color pay off. Some of them, like "Chastity" and "Case Study," can go on without a top coat just because it shines all by itself. All in all, these 6 are my favorite and I use them all year round, even if it looks like it should only be used for spring and summer! 

That's it for now,

Until next time,

With love,

Uyen

Happy 50th Birthday Mummy!

Hello fellow interweb friends!

So exactly a week ago, it was my mom's 50th birthday! Dude, that is like 5 decades, that is a lot of time but hey, she still be looking good! I know this is like a week late but still, I wanted to dedicate a post on my blog to my mom, my inspiration, my role model, my rock, and everything that is the most important to me in the world. I am super duper grateful that I have someone like her to call my mom and to look up to. She is the most selfless and caring person you can meet; as my dad would sometimes say, she has way too much fun helping people who need her. Not only that, she has sacrificed so much for both my brother and I. Instead of being out there working like other moms, my mom tries to work from home just so she can spend time with my brother and I and make sure we are safe to and from school and well-fed. There is no one that I think can be a better mom as well as a member of the community like my mom and, even though I deny it sometimes, when I grow up, I do want to be somewhat like her, not exactly but just some, especially the aging part!

Now, let's get down to how we like to celebrate birthdays within our family! Since our family is small with only four people, we usually don't make it a huge thing, especially when it's mine or my parents' just because we're not the wealthiest of families to do big parties and such, so we love to go out and eat as a family! On the day of my mom's birthday, we went out to dinner to this little Chinese restaurant place near my house called King Harbor Seafood. As you can see, we went a little crazy when ordering food but it's ok since everyone in my family loves to eat! When you hear Chinese food, you'd probably think it is greasy and nasty, but this place isn't too bad! We ordered this fried chicken (cause you all know by now, I love chicken and so does my family) and it came out super krispy but not one bit oily and gross whatsoever! So that dinner was amazing and I think our entire family was in a food coma for like the entire night and the next morning as well. We may not be partying hard but we can sure eat our little hearts out!

Final Touch Bakery

And then of course, every birthday cannot be complete with a birthday cake! So every time we have a birthday, my aunt and cousin will always bring us a cake. For my mom's birthday, my aunt brought the one cake with the flowers, and may I add, these are fresh flowers used to decorate the cake, making it look super pretty! So for that cake, it was just white cake with and I want to say some kind of vanilla cream-like icing and frosting on and inside between the layers of the cake. Besides the frosting between the cake layers, there's fresh fruits! This one was a mixed fruit cake so it had strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, and black berries. As for the second cake with the really detailed icing technique, this one was also white cake but had passionfruit icing between the cake layers mixed with raspberries. This one is a little bit tangier, different kind of taste than what you'd think cake is suppose to be but still pretty delicious! So if you know anything about my family, we love cake, so these two cakes, not small at all, were devoured in a matter of days! If you ever are in Orange County, specifically Westminster/Little Saigon area, do check out this bakery; the place is called Final Touch Bakery (I will also link the bakery below in the picture's caption). I'm sure they have locations in other places too but I've only seen one, so I will post their link if you guys are interested in checking it out. Cake is super duper important for all kinds of occasion and well nothing beats a pretty and delicious cake! Since it is kind of a Vietnamese-French fusion kind of bakery, if you get a chance to try it, you will find that the flavoring is not super decadent so you don't get that sick, icky feeling you can get after indulging in a piece of cake that is too overly sweet. It is the perfect blend between butteriness, sweetness, and a slight of tart if you want to add on the fruits!

That's it for now,

Until next time,

With love,

Uyen

I'm Just a Facade

Hello fellow interweb friends,

Disclaimer!!! This is a very long post about me and my insecurities. It's a heavier (no pun intended), more emotional post.

In my first post, I gave you a little hint into who I am and things I love and enjoy but didn't really let you know who I am. From what you can see in the last few posts, I am a pretty upbeat, happy-go-lucky kind of girl. However, that obviously is not the case. I try my best to stay happy and positive just to put my mind in a better place as well as keep those around me from worrying since I can cry very easily if I let my mind get the best of me. I guess I do a very good job at this because sometimes even I believe I am happy myself and if you ask any one of my friends, they probably can't tell you the last time they've seen me sad or cried unless they are one of my very, very close girlfriends who I tell everything to (and there are very few of those). Unfortunately though, as I was studying for my exams this coming week, I had a break down moment and I think a lot of that is because I don't open up about my feelings a lot, and so I kind of imploded. I know I have amazing friends that I can talk to about anything and everything, however, this is something that, whenever I think about it, I just start crying because I think the problem is so deep-rooted in me. I have many, many insecurities, from physical to emotional ones, and the past few months have definitely highlighted them all and they keep coming back to haunt me, no matter how hard I try to not pay attention to it. 

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First off, as a girl, I am super insecure about my physical appearance. To start of, I know I am not a huge girl, but after being reminded so many times that I am fat and big and not attractive, of course I will have problems with my body image. I've always been insecure about my body just because I don't fit your typical petite, thin Asian frame. I get reminded of that all the time since many people in my family and family friends cannot understand that my body is just different from your typical Asian body physique. On top of being reminded of how my body isn't as small as it should it, it's even harder when it comes to finding clothes. I feel like I have to find things to cover up my oh-so-big body cause I don't want people to notice my thicker areas and what not. I've dieted with various kinds of meal supplements. Lately, I've been eating healthier, juicing, and everything else when it comes to dietary fads under the sun. On top of changing my eating habits, I even started working out, but I don't know why, nothing is changing. My body is still as big as it always has been. I know I am probably smaller than others, but when I'm constantly being told and questioned about my size, I definitely will also end up looking back at myself in a negative light.

The negative body image costs me my emotional security too. I've always had a very hard time when it comes to my emotions and feelings when it comes to boys/guys. Because of my body image, when I get denied by someone I have feelings for, my immediate response to myself is that I'm probably too fat for him, not pretty enough for him, not smart enough, not fun enough, just everything negative that I can think about myself as to why someone wouldn't be interested in me. I finally thought I got over these insecurities when I got into a relationship with my recent ex-boyfriend. I thought I totally found someone who loves me for me and my size and everything that I am. Our relationship was amazing until things started going downhill. Him and I were together for five years, most of it was long distance because his own personal reason that I do not want to disclose to you since that's his life and I don't want to be disrespectful and talk about it on my blog without him knowing.

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Recently though, after 5 years, we decided to go separate ways. Problems started coming up around the last year or so because that was when he started to be "busy" a lot and spent less and less time with me; sometimes, we wouldn't really talk or Skype with each other for a week or so. Since our relationship was long distance, to me, even a small text or a short Skype session made all the difference in the world because I loved my time with him and just hearing his voice calms me from all the troubles going on in my life while he's away. So anyways, my insecurities came up again when I started noticing that he's being more distant with his "busy" life. I started to think: "is he bored of me now?", "what did I do that's making him not wanting to talk to me?", it even came to thoughts like "is he no longer attracted to me so he is slowly walking away from our relationship?". It got to the point where I thought of some really negative things, and for some reason, I always end up thinking that everything going wrong happened because of me. When we completely ended our relationship, all these questions came rushing back to me. I tried to tell myself that he did love me and that we broke up for our own reasons I prefer not to disclose here just yet. 

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However, as I start to feel like I'm good with myself again and stop letting my insecurities get the best of me, everything started to come rushing back. A few months after my break-up, some old feelings for an old friend that I've known forever came back. Now, these feelings have been there for him for as long as I can remember, but it's one of those things where timing was never on our side, so it was never really put out there. Since I've known this friend for so long, I decided to tell him, and of course, it resulted with a rejection. I completely understand why he didn't reciprocated because he's been through quite a bit and we have polar opposite view points on life and relationship. Being typical me, I smiled and let things be as they were. When we run into each other, a mutual hello and a smile ensues, I kept things between him and I as normal as ever. It's been about a month or so since I told my friend my feelings for him and was rejected. Even though I understand his reasons for not reciprocating and appreciate that he can actually tell me why, it is still hard to hear that you're not wanted, especially as a girl with all the insecurities in the world. As a side note, this is not the first time I've been told "no" by a crush who is also a good friend. Since they're my good friends, it makes it that much harder because they know me so much better than just any random guy. Because they know me as a person, my character, how I am and the way I act, the only reason I can think of for not being wanted is my physical appearance. Of course, everyone wants to have the good looking girl on their arm, the hottie-patottie as a girlfriend, and since I keep on getting rejected, I feel like there is something wrong with my appearance. 

I am still finding ways to protect myself and build my self-esteem. I eventually want to be completely happy with myself again and find someone who appreciates me for all that I am to share my adventurous fun side with. I know they say you have to love yourself first, and so I know I need to work on my own view of myself but it's hard to feel like I'm constantly being put down by certain people around me as I try to improve myself. In a way, me building my self-esteem again is like a recovering/healing period for me, and I just really want someone to be there with me. I know I have all my friends around me that can be the people who can help me, but it is different with you have the support of a significant other. I appreciate all my friends for the support and love they give me, but still, whenever I had trouble and my ex was there, it was a different kind of support that makes me feel kind of invincible. I think that all comes from the idea that he could have had anyone in the world to love and care for and he chose, so his love and support made me feel that much stronger. I want to eventually find a person who can make me feel invincible again and in return, I will do everything in my power to make them feel happy and loved and cared for and as happy as can be. 

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For now though, I have to make peace with myself first. I'm not quite sure how I will do that just yet besides making different lifestyle choices to improve on myself physically. As we all know, our body is our temple, we need to take care of it and respect it. I need to find a medium ground where I take in all these criticisms but don't use it against myself. I want to find a balance to where I take the critiques as something to feed my motivation instead of letting it tear me down. Hopefully, the next time I have these emotional breakdowns, it is because I've realized how amazing I am (not to sound conceited or anything).

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Thank you for all your support just by reading this post,

Until next time,

With love,

Uyen